My life was full of surprised lately. It turned into the direction that I have never thought before. Yeah… I do love wondering about any possibilities that may happen into my life but it’s just… gone so far. It really was out of my imagination. Was this really a surprised? Or… was it me that my old version of me who used to excite with lot of things have just came back? I don’t know. I know nothing. Not at all. 

A perfect time to contemplate tho. 

I graduated last year without any clear plan. I had no dream, no well-designed plan, and not enough confidence to face the world. I just walked and walked without any guidance. Sometimes I walked carefully, sometimes carelessly, and even stopped in between. Since I had no direction, I just kinda followed my heart when I faced a junction whether should I turn right, turn left, go straight, stopped, or even turning around or just turn into the unexpected direction when someone offered me a ride or if I just wanted to escape. My self was really confused in the jungle called ‘adulting life’. 

My heart took me to Lombok for 4 months where I worked there as a research assistant in an NGO. As expected (I already visited Lombok btw), I love the place, the culture, the people, and the vibes. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel fit in the working environment which made me unenergized and had no time for myself to grow. I was there… in the zombie phase when I felt like dying when I actually was still breathing and live. Like a dead soul trapped in the live body. My life was like an autopilot. Waking up in the state of thinking about job already, going to work, going home with zero energy, and sleeping. No space to think about myself: what I like, what I dislike, what I wanna do, and so on. 

‘Til one day, a moment happened, and it became a turning point. I passed the written test and was invited to attend the interview phase from a job that I applied which I thought it was quite a ‘dream job’. During that zombie phase, I lost my self-confidence. I even sometimes questioning my ability and capability. I was not completely believing in myself since the people around me (only to certain few people) indirectly didn’t believe in me. The crazy workloads that I never completed also made me felt small. The interviewers and the interview itself opened my eyes that there are a lot of people out there who are nice and even (indirectly) believe in myself. 

I was a little bit scared of ‘being an unemployed’. I was afraid of the social pressure and how the people would see me. I was scared of my laziness that I had to repeat the process of applying and waiting for the test announcement. I was a lil bit scared of having no monthly income. 

But then I thought… Why would I scare? Did I wanna live with the people’s expectation? Was this a life that I wanted? Living with the people’s shadows? And the most important question was: why would you scare of having no monthly income while your income and rizq had already managed by Him? Was my faith getting low and lower? Why I worried a lot? So, I decided to resign and gave it all to Him. 

That interview was on May 1st, the International Labor Day, and I submitted my resignation letter on 22 of May. My last day was on 21st of July. 

And here I am. I work in a big city that I avoided the most because I don’t think it’s livable: Jakarta, the capital. I avoided this because I just thought (even still have been thinking) that Jakarta was just too much for me as a person who doesn’t have a big ambition, too crowded for me who loves countryside, too fast for me who loves slow living, and it’s just… too ‘big’ for me who is so ‘small’. Too tiny. 

But again. I tried to always remind myself that I should be open to any possibilities as long as my heart doesn’t warn me. I might do not like Jakarta that much, but God must know better. So, here I am, at the transition period of moving to Jakarta. God gave me an opportunity to be here, and I’d like to give it a try. I don’t know whether moving here is the best decision or not but one thing: I will try, and try, and always try to trust Him and follow His lead. Even when I don’t know where to go. 

So… this contemplation wrapped some points that I might should remember:

1. You can have a plan but remember that God is the decision maker, and his decisions are always right. So, trust Him. 
2. When you are confused, just follow your heart. You can’t always see the pathway directly, but you will. Sooner or later. God will help you and guide you. 
3. Be open to any possibility. 
4. Don’t let the insecurity and anxiety of the uncertain future prevent you from enjoy your life and getting excited to even small thing. 

That’s all I guessed? I should contemplate more someday, shouldn’t I?

Best luck for you who reads this. 

Love from me who is still trying to navigate her life, 

Wulan Istri 

It’s been a long time that I don’t write any blog post. I know. The (new) routine kills me. Yes. I have been moving to Lombok since March 2023. Surprising, right? Well, I will tell you how it goes. 

I moved here exactly on the middle of March this year. A little bit peculiar, I know. The reason? Yes, I came here for a job. A job that I really-really wanted so bad but it turned out become a little (not completely) disaster. In my early moving here, everything was fine since I already visited this island for short vacation before. To be frank, I felt in love at that time and I wished that I can visit it again someday or maybe working here. 

Lombok and I

Long story short, I was accepted to the job that I applied on the end of last year. And the office is located in Mataram which means it’s in Lombok. I thought ‘What a fate!’. A dream came true. And then I sailed to Lombok and end up living here, in Mataram, Nusa Tenggara Barat. 

Do I love this place? I do. A lot. 

This place has so much to offer. Culture, nature, and the clouds! Yes, the clouds here in Lombok are different from the ones in Java. Here, they seem hanging low on the sky like you can reach over them. The people? They are so nice and sweet without any fake sweetener. The nature? It will downgrade your excitement when you travel to ‘just so-so’ destination. Lombok is my comfort place. I had been living in another city for years but I never felt like ‘home’. Here is different. Lombok is ‘the home’. Lombok is a home and I will never ever have a doubt to come back to a place where I call it ‘home’.

I love you, Lombok. See you when I see you. 

A note:

The draft was written last month in July when I was still in Lombok. I wrote this post because I wanna have a footprint that I once ever lived in Mataram, Lombok for approximately 4.5 months and I do really love it. The experience of living there is one of the most beautiful and memorable things to be remembered. So, here it is: a post that I dedicate to my own self.