You know what? I was afraid if someone told me “Woah, you’ve changed.” or “How come you change this far?” or maybe the worst is “You changed a lot. You are not Wulan whom I knew before.” I am afraid that the feeling of ‘different’ will create a space or gap that ‘disconnects’ us. I am afraid of losing someone in my life. I don’t know you might say that I am too dramatic or whatever but I am just scared FOR REAL.

You know what? Most people (even friends) who know me do not really know me well. Even though I am a 'too much talking' typical person but I think I hide a lot of things from them (?). Way back then when I was in elementary school and in middle school, I was a super ambitious person. I want to be diligent as possible. I want to be at the top of the class because I want to be recognized as the best student. I’ve been grown up and ‘labeled’ as a clever student. I was too afraid if I lose that label and then my world would be changed. I am afraid if I had to lose my privilege as a ‘clever student’ (I mean like, who doesn’t know me if I am on top of the class, right?), I lose my friend, I am scared that my brother will no longer reward me with “taking me to the beach” or “taking me to the mall”, and et cetera if I am no longer able to defend my status. That’s why I tried to not change. I was trying to defend my status because I was scared of CHANGE. Yes, I was.

I spent my first year in middle school as a quiet student. I never bought any street food from “BM” (if you are Sukoharjo-ensis, you would understand this for sure). I almost never went anywhere. All I did was only studying, cleaning my room and Bu Kos’s yard, sleeping, listening to Taylor Swift’s or The Corr’s music, and then continue. My life was so well-organized and those routines never changed. I went through my day just like that. Nothing new. My life was flat because I tent to avoid change that cause any trouble.

Then, I was getting a lilbit older. In the second year or in the third year of my middle school, I became a friend with Vio. That was the first time I went to a mall with a friend. We ride a bus, I still remember it: it was Bus Wahyu. I went to her house, I went to the internet café with her just to download music (I never goes to the internet café just for fun before anyway) and I also tried street food in BM which is tasted SO GOOD. How did I feel? I felt amazing! I think that made a small but significant change in life. Since that, I started to no longer worry when I have to go somewhere by myself. Give me a flight ticket and ask me to fly to the farthest country in the world and I will make it.

Also at that moment, I tried to open up myself, I tried to be brave to have a chat with male friends (you guys are allowed to call me insane). But yeah, way back then, I never allowed my male classmates for having my number lol. I know I was that insane. And now? You guys can see that most of my close friends are males. Call me crazy ‘cause I am. I feel like it is easier for me for having close male friends rather than females (well I don’t know if my male close friends think the reverse and feel so suffered for having me so yeah I am sorry). It is so much easier for me to resonate in some certain things.

Those are only two examples of how I tried to change myself a bit but it ends up giving more benefit to myself which I never expected before. Since that, I understand that I am into spontaneous. I love spontaneity. I love uncertainty. Those are the result of I started to accept a change. I am able to accept change as a normal thing and I should not afraid of it. Like people say: Change is a certain thing. Nothing is certain but change. The certainty is the change itself. You should not be afraid of change, dude. It’s normal and it is just what it is. It is how life and the world works.

Then here I am. Because this is my first time attempting to live my life, I tried to always learn. I learn how to make myself comfortable, I learn how to make a relationship works, I learn how to give and care for each other, and so many other things that I am still currently learning with the instinct: trials and errors. You know what, sometimes a way to solve your problem two years ago could not solve the same problem today. The same problem, the same person, the same place, but at a different time. Those might not relevant anymore and that’s why you should learn again, conduct trials and errors again until you found the solution. You know… the world is changing and so we shall too. We should adapt to be relevant. How to adapt? By changing. Yes. By Changing, dude.

Even a tree changes. It grows.

So, don’t be afraid if someone says that you are already changed. Hey! The world is changing too! Everything has changed. The city, the trees, the street, and even the climate (lol) so don’t worry. It’s okay as long as you don’t disturb other people and as long as it is good for you. You know what? Sometimes… you are afraid because there is always a possibility if it is likely to be ‘looked’ bad in other people’s eyes. They commented about why you can’t hang out so often these days, why do you become more assertive and able to say no when you used to say yes, why do you change your look, why do you become much more quitter or talking a lot, or maybe why did you change your perspective.

Well, I was in a phase when I thought that I really wanted to graduate from university and then married then became a housewife. Now? I make up my mind (read here). I wanted to be a wife who is very obedient to my (future) husband and does whatever he says. Now? I am empowering myself and I hate ‘too much’ or extreme patriarchy or masculinity (without losing my respect to men of course). Some people might not say directly about how they were surprised or actually uncomfortable toward my new perspective and somehow I still can feel it. But here I am... I accept the changes that happened to me. I am changing my view because I’ve been experiencing more as I get older. I was like 15 when I'd love to be a Javanese-traditional-obedient wife and I still didn’t know a lot about how cruel this world is. And now, I am 24 and I am a bit older. I reflect on the experience and phenomenon that occurred in my life by always learning and then processing, considering, and taking the best view based on my filter and consideration. And in the future five years later, I might also change as well. So, I will try to no longer be afraid if someone says “You were dreaming to be that lady so why are you changing your mind?”

You know guys? Actually, there is no 100% truth in this world. I mean like… there is no actual black or white in this world. There are countless grades of color between black and white and sometimes they are invisible. You can’t really see them doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It does exist but you just couldn’t recognize it sometimes. You know, maybe even an opinion from an expert could be wrong. To decide something for your life in this world, you cannot see other people’s tutorials because life is not that practical. Life is an adaptive thing which is how it works is very different from one to another. And you don’t have to be worry if your opinion could be anti-mainstream or even against the world.

I still remember way back then when I was facing the pandemic in early 2020. The WHO said that ONLY sick people have to wear masks. I was against the statement. I was against the world. In my opinion, everyone should use masks because the WHO said that infected people could spread the virus hence they also said that there are two types of infected people which are symptomatic and asymptomatic. Then how can you really know that someone is sick while he/she is asymptomatic? They might go anywhere without a mask (‘cause even they don’t know that they are sick) and still be able to spread the virus. I considered Covid-19 as an airborne on the very first day. I was against my professor, I was against the CDC and WHO which is considered as the 'The Noblest Professor' in health. The result? A few weeks later, WHO renew the statement and change it to “everyone has to use the mask”! DANG!

See? Everyone could make a mistake even a group of experts. It’s not only us who does this. Because of what? Change and the truth are that there is no 100% of black or white. I don’t believe in a thing 100% for sure. There are always tiny spaces and possibilities for change to take it and make its action. Back to ‘change’. Change is normal. WHO accept the change and then made an adaptive move to announce the new finding. So, in this case… what I’d like to say is that we should not be worried at all about changes. We are created by God to be adaptive. We accept change and then make a move. That’s how our life works. Life must go on, right? It doesn’t matter if you have changed. It doesn’t matter if your perspective changed. It doesn’t matter if people around you changed. That’s not even a problem. That’s normal. So, please, don’t be worry a lot about changes cause changes will always happen. The one that you should worry about is that if you do not change at all. 

 

Ps. Have you ever watched a US sitcom entitled ‘FRIENDS’? There is a scene that Pheobe Buffay doesn’t believe in certain theories like Bermuda Triangle or evolution. Ros Geller, his friend, who is a professor and paleontologist is very upset to hear that so he made an effort to make Pheobe understand the evolution theory and finally agree and believe in it. But what Phoebe said is so magic and unpredictable. She said “Ross, could you just open your mind, like, this much? Okay? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believe the Earth was flat? And up till 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny, tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?” See? That shows us how change is a normal thing, even in the finding of new theories in science. Normalize a change that happened in you, yourself and everything. And keep in mind: It is okay to be different.