Talking about cry or tear is always emotional. Tear, of course, come along with crying both in a happy or sad situation. Cry can mean a lot. It expresses your true feeling deep inside your heart when you can’t really describe it in words. After my dad passed away 6 years ago, I became stronger than ever. I could even bear the pain that I couldn’t bear it before. Even now, I can bear it without crying. My crying frequency has been decreased gradually and I became tough than ever. But, of course, I cried in some moments when I flustered in happiness or couldn’t bear the pain. One week ago, I found myself cried like crazy. I think it was one of the worst cries in the last two years.

Both joy and disappointment

The story began when I got a message that told me that the data I requested (for my undergraduate thesis) had been ready so I can take it in the receptionist. I don’t know why but my heart then started pounding faster and I knew it is a sign that everything was not okay. I went there. Then speechless. The data given was totally not what I mean. I decided to confirm it in the section which is located on the second floor. They said “Yes, I know what you mean but that is the data which is only available.” I didn’t believe it then I replied “But several months ago, I conducted a preliminary study here and I got the data. The matter is that it wasn’t specific as my current request.” And he (the staff) said firmly “There is no such data.” Didn’t want to argue, I replied “Alright. Thanks, Sir.” and turn over. I suddenly felt hurt because I do really know and I can feel it that he seemed to hide things. I tried to hold my tears until I reach the parking lot. I sat and finally cry. Cry to release my burden, disappointment, and pain. But it didn’t work.

I thought that by crying, at least it could reduce my pain but it wasn’t. I cried again, and again. The more I cried, the more thoughts came into my mind. I was thinking about ‘these’ things.

I finally met a staff ‘like this (unhelpful)’ among few staffs that I know. The ratio of helpful staff: unhelpful staffs even small. I only met some staffs but I find an unhelpful staff among them. How about in one institution? One regency or even in Indonesia? How much those (sorry to say) incompetent and unprofessional staff existed? (Sorry I said it rush but I do really praise ‘honestly’ above all. It’s the fundamental of an attitude include in the professional world). It was really an inappropriate service. They got salaries from the taxes paid by the citizens. They are paid to do the job but they seem to think that ‘it wasn’t their job’. Providing data for (approved) research is one of your jobs. It’s your duty. No matter how annoying it is to find an archive in your computer or files, please just be responsible for it. If there is one person like this, how many people we can find in Indonesia? How much research (conducted by researchers or students) failed because of 'human resource-quality-related-thing? How many useful research results actually can be implemented? When you provide data, it doesn’t mean you ‘ONLY’ provide data. It means a lot. It means that you contribute to the research and education development which in the end will develop your own nation. Your own country. (Sorry, I got this extremely thought from Andrea Hirata. Really it did make me cry even harder)

The pain. I finally got the pain (again) after a long time didn’t get pain cause of dishonesty. I was extremely upset when a friend of mine was caught lying to me. I cried till my chest and stomach feel discomfort. I really can bear the dishonesty. Way back then, those were a really hard day. I cried suddenly in the middle of the day and became gloomy for over a week. Finally, the discomfort came to me again to teach me something: hurt. I have been spoiled by people around me. Even when I only met them once, I always find they were super nice to me. I ever once felt so touched by an acquaintance’s genuine action to keep his promise with me way back in Singapore, 2019. I cried for hours on the bus till my head get dizzy cause someone sacrificed his energy and money for me. I, once ever cried because a stranger suddenly bought me a hostel ticket for me in Iloilo. And I, can’t hold myself… and flustered when a friend of mine picked me up in the middle of the night through heavy rain when I lost in Mangkang, Kendal.

Those really made me realize that I (almost) always cry over a genuine and great thing. I have always been surrounded by nice people till I forgot how bad and sad it is to be hurt. The experience really made me realize that yeah… not all people are good. Some of them existed to give us an experience so we can stand still… and bolder… and stronger than ever. It taught me the ‘pain’ experience caused by action so in the future, I should not do the same because I know how it feels. Wherever I work, I promise to myself to be helpful and professional as I should.